“There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”
– Douglas Adams
It is a well known scientific fact that I heard on Internet that the Australian dolphins are the most intelligent of their species. In fact, the more militant dolphins have a website entitled “Tuna Free Dolphin Meat”. The technical difficulties of writing/editing web pages, as well as handling electric devices in an aqueous environment appears to be a closely guarded secret. This website and the few remaining dolphins of reference have scattered due to political pressure in the late 90s. However, recently declassified documents document the true story of the radical Australian bunny movement and the chronology of events leading to the treaty of 1976. This does not seem to tie in to the first chapter of my notes. However, read on if you dare! Copied from the files of “Tuna Free Dolphin Meat” site.
Easter is a relatively new concept, a product of the great Australian
rabbit plagues of the 1940’s when wabbits wan wampant across the
countryside, destroying cities, bonking anything in their path and
conducting smash and grab raids on vegetable wholesalers. To combat this
growing problem, the Government of Australia sent in a specially trained
army division which was obliterated in the ‘Battle for Bunny Crossing’
in the spring of 1947.
Desperate, the Australians called on their friends the British who, more
than eager to help, dropped an atomic bomb at Maralinga just before
Christmas. Millions of rabbits were killed, and so was anything else
near the blast. The surviving rabbits were forced deep underground where they
copulated furiously and plotted their revenge. Well aware of this, the
Government needed something even more extraordinary than a gift from the
British to rid the country of this fast breeding, now dangerously
mutant menace. But it wasn’t until the summer of 1950 that an answer to
the problem was found.
The CSIRO had had considerable success combating flaura and fauna
problems by introducing predator species from overseas. These included
the domestic cat (to hasten the extinction of native species), the Cane
Toad (to help combat outbreaks of sugar cane), the cabbage-eating moth
(cabbages were responsible for 427 suspected deaths in 1939), the sheep
(to combat a shortage of sexual partners in early outback Australia),
the locust (to combat the profits of greedy farmers) and Godzilla (a
mythical monster with a soft spot for the meat of Japanese tourists).
After several decades of intensive study and wage increases, scientists
at the CSIRO decided to release a disease it hoped would wipe out the
remaining rabbits. This disease was myxomatosis, which was carried
under the armpit by small tics who liked nothing better than to spend
their days climbing in and out of rabbits ears. But myxomatosis didn’t
actually kill the rabbits itself, it merely gave the females a splitting
headache and so curbed their voracious sexual appetites, which led to
the saying “not tonight dear, I’ve got a headache.”
This was a very frustrating time, especially for the male rabbits who
soon developed severe anxieties and acute mental complexes. In fact they
became downright angry, which led to the condition ‘Hot-cross Bunnies’
which, over the years, has been shortened to hot-cross buns by deranged
linguists who like nothing better than destroying language. Naturally
enough, money-minded bakers, cashing in on the enormous publicity, named
some of their wares after this condition. Today it is still a popular
custom for Australians to eat hot-cross buns after their sexual advances
have been turned down.
Realising their quest for world domination had been well and truly
thwarted, the rabbits were forced to sue for peace in the summer of
1976. As a condition of this complex treaty, the tics carrying the
myxomatosis disease were offered attractive separation packages, the
CSIRO scientists received increased funding, and the rabbits were issued
with a lifetime supply of condoms, which they promised to use.
There is another, more tragic element to this story however, which
involves Floppy, a deranged and extremely frustrated rabbit who, unable
to control his urge bonked everything that moved, producing several new
and interesting species of creature, the skeletal remains of which are
kept in a secret vault in an unnamed museum. For his crimes, Floppy was
chastised, spat on, betrayed, blamed for everything wrong in the rabbit
world and nailed to a stake. Floppy became a martyr for the rabbit
cause, and led a fundamentalist splinter group from Australia in 1982 to
make its new home on Easter island.
(c) Tuna Free Dolphin Meat
reprinted by permission
The key here is the rise of Floppy. But first an informational point for your consideration:
Note: The dolphin related story has possibly minimized the severity of myxomatosis that is a caused by a myxoma virus that is in the same pox family (“Germs: Biological Weapons and America’s Secret War”; Miller, Engelberg, and Broad; Simon & Schuster; 2001) as the infamous smallpox virus. Sources show that the use of myxoma for the bunny control had an estimated mortality of over 90%. While the exact number of rabbits killed was unknown the population was decimated. This also showed high fatality when introduced for pest control in England. It is possible that the dolphins relate the story on the numerous (but limited) population of mutated bunnies that were resistant to this fatal virus.