Chapter 3: Floppy the Evil One with a Clarification on the Easter Bunny Clones

“That’s right, Mr. Martini. There is an Easter Bunny.”

-character McMurphy, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

NOTE: The continued adventures of Floppy the bunny should not be confused with other characters that might appear similar and possibly just as dangerous. Floppy may have some resemblance to the resurrection (a necessity due to an over reaction by Homeland Security) of the Easter Bunny, particularly during the earlier genetic bunny versions. However, the following excerpt from this incident should provide the benefit of reading the full story.

“The Office of Homeland Security was already breathing down our necks, it being Thursday, three days till Easter. If we didn’t have a new Bunny for the U.S. government by good old Colored-Egg Day, someone was going to have to confess to shooting the Easter Bunny down for violating restricted airspace. And nobody wanted to fess up to that one. How did you explain to children all across the country that their government had blown a fuzzy bunny out of the air while he was super-sonic hopping over a missile silo? Kids, your government is so paranoid it isn’t even funny, and now there will be no Easter egg hunts.”

-reprinted by permission


Story copyright Kenneth Brady, published by the Fortean Bureau

Now that this possibly identity confusion is clarfied, the character of Floppy can be further explored without further diversions.

“There’s something screwy around here”

-Elmer Fudd

Some might consider this story at an end. Those would be wrong! The name of Floppy has been used historically for the more cute bunnies. However, the disreputable true “Floppy the martyr” has been shunned by the mainstream rabbit appreciation groups world wide. Rumors are not encouraged and the true nature of the Floppy name is only spoken in very brief terse words when necessary, and only to educate those on the dangers of this all too real mutant lepus!

Some strongly believe that Floppy will again rise from the isolation of the abandoned sub-surface temple on Easter Island. Most believe that the mangy rabbit has become deranged to the point that his unexplained charismatic nature has permanently disappeared. There are a secretive small dedicated group that take a more cautious approach and will not relax their vigilance against another Floppy insurrection or those unmentionable groups that revere the rise of the mutant rabbit again on the civilized world.

The final chapter will document the last known adventures of Floppy and his contribution to world peace in the search of money and fermented Yaks milk.


The continued flashback on the rise of the mutant rabbits (Chapter 2)

“There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”

– Douglas Adams

It is a well known scientific fact that I heard on Internet that the Australian dolphins are the most intelligent of their species. In fact, the more militant dolphins have a website entitled “Tuna Free Dolphin Meat”. The technical difficulties of writing/editing web pages, as well as handling electric devices in an aqueous environment appears to be a closely guarded secret. This website and the few remaining dolphins of reference have scattered due to political pressure in the late 90s. However, recently declassified documents document the true story of the radical Australian bunny movement and the chronology of events leading to the treaty of 1976. This does not seem to tie in to the first chapter of my notes. However, read on if you dare! Copied from the files of “Tuna Free Dolphin Meat” site.

Easter is a relatively new concept, a product of the great Australian
rabbit plagues of the 1940’s when wabbits wan wampant across the
countryside, destroying cities, bonking anything in their path and
conducting smash and grab raids on vegetable wholesalers. To combat this
growing problem, the Government of Australia sent in a specially trained
army division which was obliterated in the ‘Battle for Bunny Crossing’
in the spring of 1947.

Desperate, the Australians called on their friends the British who, more
than eager to help, dropped an atomic bomb at Maralinga just before
Christmas. Millions of rabbits were killed, and so was anything else
near the blast. The surviving rabbits were forced deep underground where they
copulated furiously and plotted their revenge. Well aware of this, the
Government needed something even more extraordinary than a gift from the
British to rid the country of this fast breeding, now dangerously
mutant menace. But it wasn’t until the summer of 1950 that an answer to
the problem was found.

The CSIRO had had considerable success combating flaura and fauna
problems by introducing predator species from overseas. These included
the domestic cat (to hasten the extinction of native species), the Cane
Toad (to help combat outbreaks of sugar cane), the cabbage-eating moth
(cabbages were responsible for 427 suspected deaths in 1939), the sheep
(to combat a shortage of sexual partners in early outback Australia),
the locust (to combat the profits of greedy farmers) and Godzilla (a
mythical monster with a soft spot for the meat of Japanese tourists).

After several decades of intensive study and wage increases, scientists
at the CSIRO decided to release a disease it hoped would wipe out the
remaining rabbits. This disease was myxomatosis, which was carried
under the armpit by small tics who liked nothing better than to spend
their days climbing in and out of rabbits ears. But myxomatosis didn’t
actually kill the rabbits itself, it merely gave the females a splitting
headache and so curbed their voracious sexual appetites, which led to
the saying “not tonight dear, I’ve got a headache.”

This was a very frustrating time, especially for the male rabbits who
soon developed severe anxieties and acute mental complexes. In fact they
became downright angry, which led to the condition ‘Hot-cross Bunnies’
which, over the years, has been shortened to hot-cross buns by deranged
linguists who like nothing better than destroying language. Naturally
enough, money-minded bakers, cashing in on the enormous publicity, named
some of their wares after this condition. Today it is still a popular
custom for Australians to eat hot-cross buns after their sexual advances
have been turned down.

Realising their quest for world domination had been well and truly
thwarted, the rabbits were forced to sue for peace in the summer of
1976. As a condition of this complex treaty, the tics carrying the
myxomatosis disease were offered attractive separation packages, the
CSIRO scientists received increased funding, and the rabbits were issued
with a lifetime supply of condoms, which they promised to use.

There is another, more tragic element to this story however, which
involves Floppy, a deranged and extremely frustrated rabbit who, unable
to control his urge bonked everything that moved, producing several new
and interesting species of creature, the skeletal remains of which are
kept in a secret vault in an unnamed museum. For his crimes, Floppy was
chastised, spat on, betrayed, blamed for everything wrong in the rabbit
world and nailed to a stake. Floppy became a martyr for the rabbit
cause, and led a fundamentalist splinter group from Australia in 1982 to
make its new home on Easter island.

(c) Tuna Free Dolphin Meat (occasionally)
reprinted by permission

The key here is the rise of Floppy. But first an informational point for your consideration:

Note: The dolphin related story has possibly minimized the severity of myxomatosis that is a caused by a myxoma virus that is in the same pox family (“Germs: Biological Weapons and America’s Secret War”; Miller, Engelberg, and Broad; Simon & Schuster; 2001) as the infamous smallpox virus. Sources show that the use of myxoma for the bunny control had an estimated mortality of over 90%. While the exact number of rabbits killed was unknown the population was decimated. This also showed high fatality when introduced for pest control in England. It is possible that the dolphins relate the story on the numerous (but limited) population of mutated bunnies that were resistant to this fatal virus.

Chapter One: The Initial Flashback of Mutant Rabbits and More

PLEASE allow me relate a story of flashbacks and rabbit wars.

Penn State, late 70s. It was a dark and cold walk from the Phyrst saloon in State College shaking off the effects of a few more imported ales than normally accustomed. Watching the butter melt, the State College Diner lights mysteriously dim and the drips congeal into what looks like two ratty long ears! THIS moment with the hot sticky bun at the State College Diner created a flashback to 1969. The subsequent events provided are true to life.

It happened during a brief vacation from Bien Hoa, while sitting on a stool at the Texas Tavern in Sydney, Australia during Happy Hour (which really lasts for several hours). The larger than average rabbit with the dirty, matted, fur, and apparently chewed up ears sits down beside me after several futile attempts at not sliding off the polished wood seat. After offering the disheveled bunny a drink (which was no big deal, since all the drinks was free over there during happy hours),the odd creature relates a strange tale of intelligent dolphins (always armed with a modified POST slide rule under their flipper), and the recent battles of a strange mutant rabbit revolution.

Writing this off as the expected drunk bragging from a giant mutant bunny from the Outback, little additional thought was given. I recall his mumbling something about the apparition in the breakfast pastry, or something, while departing for drunken (the hippies, the horses, and the predominantly Department of Defense customers) horse back riding with enterprising hippies from a Bourke Street commune. The odd bunny was forgotten until the sticky (hot) bun with the melting butter some years later.

The years continue to pass, and for some odd reason, the link for the “Tuna Free Dolphin Meat” website pops up during a Google search. Well Damn! (I think to myself)! This sounds like the warped philosophical humor of some ultra right-wing , drift-net loving, scum sucker poking fun at us “true” environmentalists! Preparing to do cyber battle with this vile (and likely GOP) organization, little did I know, while mashing the mouse key on the hyperlink, that this would lead to the highly intelligent and computer literate dolphins of Australia! Continued sporadic communication related the stories of other (although land locked) species. The seemingly unrelated links (not hyper) between the Sydney Happy Hour bunny (remember this), the butter sopped State College Sticky Buns, and the technologically proficient dolphins (that document everything) stood out with clarity. Communications continued with the radical Dolphin group and seemingly unrelated events congealed like the butter on that sticky bun. This continues in the next chapter.